I feel as though I am an almost ‘whole’ person. I feel that I know who I am, and I love who I am. I know that there are so many people in this world who can not say either of those things.
People seem to flounder in their own lives, going along day by day, not learning about themselves, not knowing themselves. I think this is because in this day and age, we are too busy. Things have been invented and created to make things in our lives easier, but instead of using these tools to enhance our lives, we use them to fill our lives with more stress and chaos. Twenty years ago, no one would have thought that we would have to tell people NOT to talk on the phone while they are driving or crossing a street! This convenience has made us more connected with others around us, and possibly taken us further away from ourselves.
People don’t have the time to be deep in thought or to allow their thoughts to wander. Well, at least not the people who (no offense to anyone, really) have enough intelligence to form meaningful thoughts. I mean that the more intelligent people are doing some fascinating work for others, to make money, to improve the lives of the population… this doesn’t leave much time to concentrate on themselves. The little down time they have they often worry about family, work, money, etc.
Over the past 3 years, I have had extensive time on my hands, due to my cancer and being off work. This has given me A LOT of time to think. This has also given me the time to measure my words, to not make so many snap judgments, to thoroughly think about various problems (either mine or those of the people around me). I have also taken this time to get to know myself. I have become more in tune with my own emotions, thoughts, desires, needs.
I also had time many years ago to think about a lot of things in my life, which resulted in the decision to leave my marriage, among other decisions and realizations.
I have learned a lot about myself. I have realized things about myself that should have been obvious to me, but were not, because I didn’t look at myself the way I look at others, or that others look at me. We don’t often judge ourselves. When we meet a new person, we make a judgment about them; intentional or not. This is based upon our first impression of the person; some of us stick with that first impression, some of us delve a little deeper to amend the judgment made based upon that first impression.
This is what I have been doing to myself. I have been trying to delve deeper into my own thoughts, learning why I do things, how I feel about various topics and occurrences, why I react to various stimulus the way I do, how my life has effected who I am. I haven’t been trying to assess how someone else would see me, rather how I would see me, if I met me. (I hope that makes sense to people).
Some things I have learned:
- while I may not be ‘book smart’ nor have I had the ability to be accepted to a university, I am a rather intelligent person
- I am a creative and imaginative being
- I am a very sexually aware person
- I am a caring, loving, giving person; even if I don’t broadcast it so that everyone thinks of me this way (I don’t do it for the glory)
- I am not a religious person, that does not mean I do not believe in God
- I want to be independent and to be able to depend on someone (I like traditional roles, with room to wiggle)
- I don’t really associate myself with any particular race, I may ‘technically’ be Caucasian, but I don’t know that that description defines me (or anyone else, for that matter)
- I am annoyed by ignorant people, and I can be rather harsh when having to deal with an ignorant person.
- I am bothered by people in general, but would do just about anything for people I consider a friend (I will give few people the title of friend)
- although ignorant, I will tolerate and do my best to deal with my family, after all, they are my family.
These may be things that many people can say about themselves, but I feel they can accurately define me. I am an odd duck, and I like it that way. Yet, I feel I am also a pretty simple person. I like nice things, but that does NOT mean I am materialistic. I basically want to be comfortable, but a little struggling along the way isn’t a bad thing, I think it has made me who I am, and as I said — I like who I am.
Part of me is still confused about myself; but I will put that into another post, because I am sure not everyone will want to read it, or it may cause some tempers to flare. I really hope it does not offend anyone, or cause problems; but I feel it is something I need to talk about.